The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You Might Also Like
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I’m not proud
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The internet is magic sometimes.