I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
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this has to be peak English
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Same pineapple, same
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.