@briangaar: The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl
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@AskAuntieEm1: Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
@TheMichaelRock: Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
@dinnersruined: *hands you a marijuana* "This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."
@mjohnny3: On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.