I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.