The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
the world’s most popular steaming services
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?