The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these