The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
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I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]