The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Lmbo
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
for all #parents out there
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.