The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
You Might Also Like
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.