The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.