I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.