Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Discuss
A leaf blower, but for people.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die