The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
When someone says you are so lazy
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”