The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.