The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.