The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*