The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Merry Christmas
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear