The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
nobody’s gonna understand
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.