@theshamingofjay: The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
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@Brianhopecomedy: *2 year old runs by screaming* *72 ducks chasing her* "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD."
@laurajennyjo: I'm gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit
@SarcasticAlly12: "I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this." -me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I'll try shouting
@slaughthie: Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I'm crying alone in parking lots.