Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.