@theshamingofjay: The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job
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@ColesTwitt3r: i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
@TuffyNyC: My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.