Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
when there are deer in the woods
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.