Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
When you can’t find your friend Neil