The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
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So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Still laughing at this stupid meme
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
spicy snake
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?