The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
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things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
#CatsOnTwitter
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out