@tdawks: The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don't.
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@jordan_stratton: [Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.
@betulesairafi: I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I'm getting carried away.
@jwoodham: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don't act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
@ariscott: Social media: We're getting rid of chronological order. Everyone: NO! SM: Cool, right?! Everyone: NO! SM: Glad you're excited!