The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.