The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.