The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
You Might Also Like
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO