@IAmMaggieMull: The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.
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@amishschool: "My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner" I explain to the other homeless people.
@dubstep4dads: Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you. Me: He didn't. But watch this. [I make the doll do a backflip] Judge: Holy shit lol
@Manda_like_wine: Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.