CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.