the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Which wines pair best with gloating?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.