the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A friend sent me this.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.