@DaveSirus: The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they're part of a conspiracy.
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@CelebrityChez: Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.
@geowizzacist: Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet? Wife: do you even know his name anymore? Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
@Fred_Delicious: *cop bursts into bathroom* "KID DON'T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!" *toilet is wearing shades* "damn. we're too late" *toilet rides off on motorcycle*