The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.