The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.