[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I only treason on days ending in y
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)