@onelongbender: The international address of Twitter
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@MommaUnfiltered: Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside??? Dog: meh Me *falls asleep* Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
@ericsshadow: [wearing a 'World's Greatest Dad' t-shirt while talking to the bartender] "The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8."
@iGreenMonk: I failed my driver's test. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light? I said "I usually see what people are up to on twitter.