Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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necessity is the mother of invention
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Bros before Ohioes
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.