The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”