The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
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It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
In banana years, I am bread.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.