The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?