The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”