The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.