Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”