When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Breaking news:
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]