please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
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I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star