[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*