[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
You Might Also Like
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.