The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
me, after any kind of buffet.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape