The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”