The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Is….Is this an option?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet