The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.