[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
#merica
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.