THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…